2008 March « of orphans & assumptions

this was my my hiding place, and it had been exposed! i wondered, in hindsight, what i could’ve done differently to prevent it’s compromise, before finally being smacked on the head with- it was probably The Almighty, Himself who had set this chain of events into action- DUH!

so i did all i could do: i sat there, with my open chest wound hanging out, the finger of the last words a friend spoke, poking it’s convicting truth directly into the pain. the words were something like these,
“.. i will leave you to your secret life”

i thought hard during the pastor’s teaching. i wondered, is wallowing in conviction not the same doing so in self-pity..self-pity being the same as self-love? and if i were to get up and leave, would that be rude? to be completely honest, i was less concerned with being rude, than the unwanted attention this would draw, so i stayed.

something about this church, it’s environment, it’s setting, even the messages, had always sat uneasy with me. yet for some reason, i continued to attend. there was something in this place where i came to hide, that something was found. and though it was no longer what i had initially come for, a hiding place, there i still sat. my mind brushed over this three point evolution regarding the time, over the years, that i’d spent in the back pew:

1. salvation. i accepted the truth of Christ in this church. it was a January morning, many years back, i was tired, hungover and by myself. i also hadn’t planned to attend church that morning.
2. air. sometimes i wonder if i really come here to hide, or if it was more to breathe! this place offered more than the dark back of a church to sit, and cry, and write, and sing.. it offered oxygen and sanctuary, when my home was stiflingly far from one.
3. friends. it’s amazing that He does, truly, give us everything we need before we can even fathom it.. but then He surpasses even that, by also giving us whatever we ask Him for.

i left this day, resuscitated with far more than air, my heart filled with this truth:

loving people from a distance just does not work. i can long for connection, and attempt to reach out and touch others 24/7 and to the point of collapse..
but it will only really work, if i allow them to do the same back to me.

and if i choose to keep hiding, all i’m really doing is closing a church door..
and it’s not my church to shut doors in.

” if we hang out in caves, we will never shine…”

~~ruby 080317~~

Mar

for hire

By ruby Leave a Comment

Categories: Uncategorized

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WANTED: BRAIN NANNY
SWF desperately seeking chambermaid to care and clean for eleven-story mind. DETAILS: mind includes large moat, rubber walls, barbed-wire fences, a few boogie-monsters, and several ghosts of Christmas past. HOURS: all, starting now. PAY & COMPENSATION: i can’t pay much in the way of cash, but room, board, friendship & rights to utilize all thoughts & ideas, will be provided. i also cook some mean scrambled eggs!

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writer’s block? or writer’s disobedience?
how can there be a lack of inspiration, when God’s signature is on everything? including, us?!!
simple- there’s not. all we have to do, is to read it aloud, write it out, paint it, sing it, play it- share it..

so then, what is this thing we call writer’s block?

for me, it’s my own defiancy. perhaps all of the other humans suffer from this as well, but i only know* and can speak for myself..
*NOTE: i use the term ‘know’ loosely here, as i’ve lived with myself every day since my first- and i still have a case of the ‘deer in headlights, head scratching, post-traumatic stress’ reaction to God’s signature- on me..!

writer’s block? writer’s defiancy? let’s call it what it really is- for me, at least lately, this is a mild form of blasphemy.
mild? ha!

as sin is sin is sin,
blasphemy is blasphemy.

now i don’t speak of quiet times of sitting and listening, observing and soaking in awe of His Creation.. if that is the season, that is what it must be..
but there are times, on this marvelous train of His inspiration, beauty and sacrifice, where i am called to action, to creation- yet i find myself hiding from it, curled up in a dark corner of a cable car, with my hands over my ears and my eyes tightly shut pretending not to see..

and so i don’t see.

but , just as His infinite love and patience are omni-ALL, so is His signature- from the the deepest well and crevice of my heart to the inside of my eyelids.

so curled up in a ball, cold, afraid and shaking, less by choice and more by necessity for survival, my entire body surrenders into prayer.
each time, i don’t know how long i stay this way..but at some point, the shaking stops and i feel a warmth upon my face and in my heart..

some people say, regarding the way God and salvation ‘work’ is, “He does it all, all we have to do is show up..”

well, i beg to differ. He’s already wherever we are.. sometimes all we have to do is open our eyes.

p.s. this does not mean the brain nanny position is out- brain still in need of some serious spring cleaning and upkeep.. please forward resumes accordingly.

~~ruby 080315~~

Mar