“but, God, I don’t know how to…”
i don’t know when it started.
and i’m not quite sure there will be an end- not the dictionary definition anyways.
in fact, let us be completely honest, i don’t know a whole heck of a lot.
but what i do know, is arguing with God is but a one-sided fight-
one i find myself in often.
like a thief in the night, they are quiet, these battles- i rarely even notice the war has begun, until it’s been lost- all that remains my skinned knees and the floor that finds them as i fall
fall
fall
fall…
it is in this very falling, i catch my breath and look around:
trust for air
faith for vision
victory is His.
so here i kneel, at the far side of a long battle against my own human heart.
i’ve confused what is His with what is mine. i’ve been ugly and defiant and bitter.
and i still, after all He has blessed me with, after all He has revealed, question and doubt His direction:
“but, God, i don’t know how…”
i’m not worthy of the grace and peace He placed in my heart along with that statement:
“it’s okay not to know- He knows.”
ruby 070929
Sometimes, when I found myself in a moment of listening to someone who’s very life was hanging in the balance awaiting a response from me, I would silently pray and ask God to put the words into my mouth and let them be voiced because I had no clue why I was in the predicament I was in and figured if HE put me there then HE would surely answer my prayer at those moments. HE always has.